The Struggle is real. The truth of whats been going on for years in my life.

        So, My life is quite the complicated one( I do not feel so honored, I think everyone's is)
Okay, so here is the jest of it all .
          I am in the midst of finalizing my divorce ( can I get an AMEN!?)
 The marriage should have never started at all. It was completely unhealthy filled with abuse, and I am grateful I got out. 
 But before that, I was teen mother pregnant at 15, and delivered 7 weeks after turning 16. I met my soon to be ex husband, at 17 (my oldest was 1) and became pregnant right away, engaged right away and the rest was history.  I was married and had 5 kids by the time I was 21!!
 21, wife, momma of 5, not even in a compound some where brain washed in a cult! 
  Instead I was brain washing myself, on the denial of being a battered woman. Yes I tried to leave, more than once. Let's face it. I was a product of a dysfunctional family of drug addicts, alcoholics and abuse. I am luckily I didn't end up on the street corner with a needle in my arm.
       I felt, I needed to keep this family together, for the sake of my children. He was a decent enough father, and he "loved" me so much. He was at war with himself, I remember seeing it. He didn't want to fail, and he felt out of control. From the Trauma I had from not only my childhood, but now the abuse and weight of becoming a mother and wife- I mean I had NO HOME TRAINING, NONE. Schedules in my house growing up was like a mere idea you have once in a while...
 I fled to Christ, I found peace in biblical teaching, and agreed with its core beliefs. I needed a savior. 
 I became such a different person, I didn't want to drink anymore, and I didn't want to smoke pot with him anymore. I longed for us to read scripture together and I begged for home school, modest dressing, you name radical Christianity I was advocating it!
 I still believe it, I must admit.
 He on the other hand. Would agree one day but didn't want to change his life. He felt guilt for his ways, and didn't like that. HE WAS NOT GOING TO BE TOLD HOW TO LIVE. end of story.
 The struggle was real
I was so weak willed, I was depressed. I was so detached from myself, I didn't even realize I was in a depression.
The babies kept coming, and we even joked that its the only thing that brings us together. I would either be on the verge of leaving and I would get a positive pregnancy test. Or I would be on the verge of leaving and my due date would be right around the corner..


 I am sure about now you are thinking... UMM lady there is a thing called BIRTH CONTROL. WORK.SCHOOL.
 You see, I don't believe in birth control, it is terrible for your body. End of story. (actually I will be connecting a link to a post on birth control and list some alternatives). Also we decided for me to stay home with the children. I dropped out when I was 15, and never got my GED. We had one car, and internet was something that was a on and off bill. I was really barefoot and pregnant. He loved it that way, it was his way of control. And for a long while I was like a dummy doll he would wind up and i would just follow him about.
 Also I was scared to grow into my own person, and the babies gave me a reason to stay. we BOTH knew that. 
 His mother, finally convinced him to get a vasectomy after the conception of our son- so we capped with 5 children in the home.
 But once the cheating, lies, and abuse came to much- I tried to leave ( but I had tried in the past as well)  I was so use to the facade it was hard to let go of it. He would sink me with deception and making counseling appointments. He was so good on on putting on a show, and saying what needed to, making sure he didn't lose me.
 December 2012- I met Derek, my beau. He was roommates with my oldest father and worked for the same company as my husband( yes I know, its insane). Despite the close to home connection we had to each- When we were introduced for the first time it was as if some one was reading a fairy tale. 
 Our eyes locked, uncontrollably I threw my arms around him, we embraced, slowly pulling away keeping the hold between us as we swayed in-sync saying our hello's and how lovely it was to meet you. Nothing 'scandalous' happened between us at that moment, beside the swaying in public at a company Christmas party. But honestly it was just a few seconds it felt like a lifetime of happiness poured into a moment of bliss. 
 Once I officially separated from my ex husband,3 months after the Christmas party. I found myself by Derek's side. Planning our future, feeling we have been together lifetimes before this one.
When I left, and knew I would be in another relationship for the first time since my marriage. I swallowed my beliefs and started taking the pill. I knew I was fertile, as fertile as mertle could be! 
 SURPRISE - SURPRISE I ended up pregnant with the first 3 months of our relationship. Maybe it was the extra hormones from the birth control. who know's but I was sent into utter despair when I saw those two little lines appear before me. Despite Derek's reaction which was joyous and wonderful- strides above what I was used to, usually swearing of some sort following an apologizing a few hours later. 
I felt... ashamed. I was still married, separated but legally married. Now I have 3 fathers that fathered my children. I do believe each child is a blessing and the Lord opens the womb and the Lord closes the womb. But... But... Is this my life? ugh All the Judgement that goes with just that fact.
 Despite my faith I was ASHAMED.  To my surprise, the man I was separated from, that abusive, controlling man. Offered out a hand, and I accepted.It was a familiar, I knew how to live that life. Not the scandalous one that I found myself living.
He open the door, for me to return and out of shame I went back. 
As soon as I did, I became sick( what a sign to RUN AWAY huh?)  in the hospital. And found out I expecting twins. And that alone, was too much. He felt we never shared something as "special" and we couldn't make through the pregnancy. The verbal abuse started right away, and it was almost more than I could stomach. But I thought.... what about the rest of the kids, and the shame of having now 7 children by 3 different men, truly it guided almost all my decisions.
 Every step and tear of the way, I didn't listen to my heart. The kids were confused, but happy that we were back to together. After all, that is all my little children knew, their whole life! 
The scandal of Derek and I was all over the company as well as the pregnancy. Instead of staying in the midst of the problems.Once we reconciled when I was 3 month pregnant, almost immediately  we fled to Georgia, we moved in the same neighborhood as my best friend. and he contracted with his company to travel 9 months out of the year.
 We were giving it another go. I was dying inside, so alone. We told no one the twins were not his. And to be honest it was nice, he was gone ALL THE TIME. My best friend was two street away, I finally had a car, and my independence for the first time in my whole life. But as soon as he had a extended trip back.
 I found out the truth, he had a girl friend in Texas, and once I confronted him. He lost it, gave me a black eye 7 months pregnant, almost threw me down the stairs, destroyed the babies crib, strangled me, and had who knows what planned. I screamed for my oldest whom was sleeping (it was 5AM) He smashed my phone so I wouldnt call the police. After most of the children were awake and crying, He ran downstairs, and allowed me to call my best friend to pick me up and the kids up.
 I was in shock that I allowed myself to come back, only adding to the Shame of it all. The next day he picked me and the kids up. The rest of the time he was home, my best friend was not allowed over. I hide my black eye at the fall festival, and pretended it all didn't happen.
 I lied to Derek and told him all was well at the home front.
A month and half later, I delivered the twins. I was alone for most of the time after delivery. I started to think " Why am I denying myself the one I love, only for my children to grow up with domestic violence?"
I was so angry that I let myself become a battered woman. I was in shock of it all. It had seemed I was in a nightmare, and I just woken up with. Like a spell, that has just been broken.
 By the grace of the God, Derek understood his control over me. He has forgiven me and accepted me back home. Now our days are spent on our kids 9 we have between us.
 Focusing on building them up and repairing the wounds of our previous marriage. And creating a warm loving environment for them to strive in.
  After 7 years of being the "father figure" in my oldest life, my soon to be ex husband. Stopped taking her- Once he realized I was serious about the divorce. Thats it.
After looking her in the eyes and telling her no matter what happens between me and your mom I will ALWAYS BE YOUR FATHER. 
After telling me, he wants to adopt her just in case anything were to ever happen. 
 Her own father, just moved out of state, not paying child support and is less than the outstanding father.
 No explanation to the children, or to her.
I know the power of abuse. And I wrote this post to tell you all The struggle is REAL.

Little did I know, the beginning years of my adulthood was just that the beginning. All the damage of the years I stayed in an abusive relationship with a man, and allowed my children to witness it, I must try to salvage them from their own memories as they grow older.

 Please do not let your shame control your situation. I had to place my faith in the Lord, for no one shall judge me, but my maker. Who had brought me to where I am today, and has blessed me 7 times over with bundles of joys- perfect gifts giving me reasons to live, at my darkest moments. Giving me strength to stand up to a man that would have killed me and most likely my children and himself if I stayed.
 My shame kept me his prisoner, and allowed him to the unspeakable. 
If you are or know anyone in an abusive relationship please LEAVE-
18007997233- Domestic Violence hotline

Where we are now.

      

Fall, ah, becoming my favorite seasons- 

 When I was child, I LOVED summer- after all I am a summer baby being born in the beginning of August, in all. Yet, as my calender fills, and my home grows with each child. I have suddenly realized I am completely smitten with FALL! 

Oh I could go on and on

 School has started again, but since we are southern people, school technically starts mid-summer about for my kiddos'. Fall brings, comfort, the kids know their teachers and most classmates fairly well, so its not such a excitable time, just a more slowed down time.

Fall brings, Pumpkin spice latte back to Starbucks 

 Comfort foods start coming into play- Chili, Au gratin ham and potatoes, chicken pot pie, you name it, I'm cooking it- After all comfort foods  are my favorite to cook, eat, and share!

Thanksgiving is just a mere count down away- My very best friend always host and it is my family's tradition to go- A part of our friendship tradition to plan the menu trying out do last years feast. 

The weather begins to cool. In Florida, that is a bit of a exaggeration, but towards the end fall the outdoors are not completely UNBEARABLE!

Season premieres, Baking, Fall festivals, a hint of anticipation for Christmas, Family, Friends, Trunk-or-Treats, Halloween (which was my dear Grandmothers Birthday, God rest her amazingly strong willed soul) school breaks, Holidays, Baking..Did I already mention that?

See I told you I could go on and on, and I think I did!

I can already smell the pumpkin in the air! Alleluia, the Lord above gave us a season of reflection, of business, of thankfulness, and preparation for the coming Holidays and New year. A season to bring reason to come together, and enjoy one another. A season to wrap up before the "real fun" begins with winter, and all the joys that season beholds. 

With all this excitement I am clearly typing about, you must be wondering how my house is functioning in such a joyous time.

To start off, Ch-ch--cha-changes ( yes that is the song I meant to have pop in your head) is what is happening over on my side of the realm.

My kiddos' are adjusting over all well to the fact that they have a "new normal" and everything is Sssslowly start to fall into place. A few kinks are still in the midst, but I have a pep in my step. It is the fact the end of the year is upon me, and nothing is more motivating for this momma of 7 than the fact that Christmas brings MT. Yeah that is right people, MORE TOYS, oh you thought I meant mountain? well figuratively yes a MOUNTAIN.... of..MORE TOYS, and clothes and whatever the grandparents and the whoever wants to contribute their love of my fantastic children in the form of material possessions.

 Yes, in my realm there is not just the spring clean to recover from the winter- but the fall clean to prepare for the winter.

All these kinks will be post to come and I promise I will become more disciplined when it comes to posting on my blog. 

Anywho- we are leaving Wednesday afternoon, for a mini vacation to Atlanta, GA to see my very best friend. It is to celebrate a few things all mushed in a crazy 5 day journey. 

Alaessa my 4yr old is turning 5 yrs old and has requested to celebrate it with her own very best friend.Which is my very bests friend's youngest child and only daughter. The girls are only 4 months apart. Alaessa being the senior of the two.

My Best friends birthday is also coming up, and she has decided to celebrate it at Midtown Music Festival. Friday night and Saturday all day I will be with my Beloved, and my best friend  along with her hubby, and few others, listen to live music. As well as seeing my personal FAVORITE artist Lana Del Rey. -bliss- just pure bliss- Lana Del Rey, My beloved, AND my BFF- Im dying

Its Our BFF 10 yr ANNIVERSARY! We were going to do a girls trip to bond deeper, talk like idiots, and laugh till we- well i pee my pants(yes this girl has made me pee my pants- in public) But I have 8 month twins, and a boat load of other  teeny tinies that prevent such memorial events to take place in the present, but must be stashed away as a rain check for most likely our 20 yr BFF anniversary- She will roll her eyes when she reads this, lol. But Alas, the trip came to just a date on the calendar and we have settled for movie marathons and talking in the kitchen as we bake Alaessa birthday lunch and cake. 

Honestly though I am just as excited! She does live 8 hrs away and even though we spend on average 4-6hrs a day on the phone- Beloved has the phone records to prove it.  It is a very sweet treat to see each other and actually be in the presence of each other even if it is a few very jammed pack days. 

Till I post again.

Vishakha

Not every Sunday I have melt down but when I do, I just might blog about it.

 9pm on the night before the first day of  school .My kitchen is still with the dishwasher quietly churning a hum. The dinning room light creating a dim glow through out the house. The floors are mopped. The books have been read. The prayers have been said. First day outfits neatly folded, waiting to be worn. School supplies zipped in Backpacks ready by the door.

   Heavenly isn't it. The end if the bedtime routine ever mother enjoys after each day. Where you get your coffee,or glass of wine, perhaps even tea, sit with your novel, favorite show, or talk with your husband. Resting with a feeling of accomplishment, a feeling of thankfulness, the feeling of blessed. The ever natural smile on your face of just feeling good. Your babies are healthy at home, laying in bed. 

  

   I grab my laptop. I go through my emails, I check my dvr and to my delight, I pop on Arlington Road. I have my laptop resting on my knees. Scrolling through emails, and facebook. When I hear the pit pat of little feet, and the laughter of little girls. 

 Which filled my heart with such anguish. It was there in that moment I was utterly defeated! 

You see I had started bedtime at 7:20- which with 7 little ones under 7 is still a feat in itself. You have to pour at least 2 glasses of water after the lights have gone out. There are always 1-3 'i need to go potty'. At least 2 books need to be read. 10 'mommy I need to tell you something.. you have brown hair.' :) 

 My patience is worn.  After I put my foot down, I gave warnings, I got stern! I truly did EVERYTHING I COULD POSSIBLE . I realized that what I was doing was FAILING me. I began to ponder WHY WHY were my beautiful children DEFYING ME!??!?!

 I knew the divorce and change had been hard on the kids. But I didn't really realize the way it affected the way they viewed me. It went from mom being always around, and the house centering around solely the children just to have a sense of peace, because my ex and I would just fight morning noon and night. So we just focused on the kids. Now, I have to share custody time, step kids, and actually a beau that I WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH. The hustle and bustle of my home has turned my kids emotional state upside down.

  These moments are the moments of a divorced family. When you see your child's behavior and it seems as if another child has just came into the picture. That bond that was so sound, and regulated from the daily routine of your previous life is now shaken. The boundaries have been blurred and to small children (especially my toddlers) this is flat out hard. 

  They do not understand the change. They do not conceive that a marriage has died and another has been born. They do not understand how I have gone through the trenches of domestic violence, survived, in the midst found love and how joyous each day is for me. 

 They are experiencing "sharing" mom in a completely different way. No resentment is there because they don't even understand what they are feeling. They associate rules, boundaries, life as they understood it under the authority of a home, family and marriage that no longer exist and thus they are in utter chaos. Rebelling out of not having the ability to convey their emotions that are even complex for adults to understand when they mourn divorce! 

 As a parent, I am at a loss. I am only 24 years with 7 children peering at me looking where to go to next. But I know I have it under control because I have a parent's guide ( which is for another blog, another day). 

  I sat there, still as if I didn't see my son running from the end of the hall to the front of living room repeatedly. I tuned out the very loud conversation that was taking place in daughters bedroom, accompanied by some bangs and shuffling through what only could be their toy box.  

 I sighed, I about near cried to be honest. It broke me to see so clearly they distress my children were in. 1 whole hour after bedtime and they are rebelling against me the day before the beginning of the brand new school year! But after a few minutes of prayer to the Lord above to allow me gather myself. 

I had two choices;

A. Jump up like a tyrant- in my most stern tone voice my frustration and scoop up my jumping two year old throw him in bed DEMAND him to sleep. Plea with my daughters and chastise them for playing at such an hour. T.O  to my beau to scare them straight while I took a breather on the porch or SO HELP ME....

B. Stand up with a understanding gleam in my eyes, scoop up my jumping two year old in a warm embrace. Peek in the girls room and in just about a whisper hush remind them morning comes early, and school is important and bedtime is whats on the agenda. Lay my tired toddler in my bed and rub his back until he falls asleep not saying a word aside from good night my sweet son. Releasing the calm energy of understanding, love, and authority through out my home. Assuring my children I am their Mother, I am their earth bound keeper, and I am here. No home, no marriage, no environment will ever change my care for them. 

 Needless to say I did not get all the kids snug as bug, sound asleep until 10:30! I did not feel defeated, nor upset. Peace consumed me because I needed that rebellion to remind me. To remind me I am their Mother, I am their earth bound keeper, and I am here. No home, no marriage, no environment will ever change my care for them.

just can't keep it together

          It seems everyday I either have a sense of clarity or the fog becomes more dense. I just can't keep my mind straight. Today is the day before my 24th birthday, 3 days before my real estate exam, 7 days before the first day of the new school year for my 2 oldest and my teenage (soon to be) step daughter. That is just the short list! No wonder I can't concentrate!
          It feels good to get back in the swing of things. Bedtime routines, chores, pending schedules just waiting to fall into the daily schedule. In the midst of this joyous chaos, I feel a tug at my heart. I so desperately want to find a peace with in. I know its the Lord knocking. I just feel so lost when it comes to answering His call. As I stated in the post previous to this, I feel a drawl to lots of religions. Finding the one for me is becoming like a cloud that is blocking me from the light- quite literally! How can I experience God's rays of light if I have a GIANT CLOUD OF DOUBT HOVERING OVER ME?! It is quite frustrating if you consider what I am going through. The constant turmoil...
            I can feel Christ coming to me. I can still hear his voice to follow Him in the back of my mind. I shall sit and ponder on His voice. I need to send my worries to Him and remember all glories to His name.

The Journey

 I have always wanted to be a writer. Ever since I was a child I kept a journal. To me, there is something magical about being able to express yourself through writing. I think perhaps its how words can paint a realm of reality in your mind. How the words as you read them, even something as small as directions comes to life. I have always felt and feel today that being able to write is very powerful. Ill admit it has been a lost art so to speak in the past few years. I just have been busy, and to disconnected from myself to even allow myself to pick up a pen regularly.

 So I decided to start this blog for the purpose of helping me grow. Grow, in the sense of reconnecting with myself, what I think, believe and ponder. I need an outlet, and what better way than to create a blog to share my life as well as play catch up in the technology department. I must admit, I am still conflicted on this whole tech savvy world we so rapidly came into. I know I am too young to be as behind the times as I am. Not by lack of being around technology as so much lack of desire to use it.

 You see I believe in a simple world. In my perfect world, we would all live very humble with the world around us. We would appreciate the earth for what it we have here. To feel, smell, and live all of the senses we have dulled since the turn of the century. We have been chasing a true illusion of "happiness" that we need to have these things, credit scores, large sq. feet houses, so much money in the bank to feel 'secure' and so on and so forth.

  Unfortunately, I have to change pace with this idea. I have to work, which is not a bad thing. Once I felt even working a "career" was bogus illusion because half the jobs are made up but this material world only to continue the illusion of what the 'real life' is. ( yeah I think I took a temporary hippy shift there) I don't want you to think I was some low life that didn't want to get a job, so I sold fruit off the freeway or something. I was a stay at home mother, who was in crisis soul searching trying to make since of how miserable I was in my life. I fled to Christ to protect my ego, my mind, and mental state of my life. I am still having a trouble with my spiritual life. I have looked into everything from fundamental christian to Hindu. I love the tradition of Judaism and they way they believe life is to be enjoyed. It is not as dark as Christianity can be, but it also not as refreshing to someone who feels they have led a life of sin. Hindu faith allows for my belief in the stars and other ways aside from prayer to assist in your daily life. Also allows metaphysics to be not only acknowledge but practiced before 'metaphysics' was even heard of.

 Any who, I found in the midst of my spiritual journey and life as a mother. I checked out of the tech world. Regardless what I believe the world trudges on and I cannot fall behind.

 This is my journey to find that Happy place, where everything is in balance and peace can resound around me as well as in me.

                                                Vishakha