The Struggle is real. The truth of whats been going on for years in my life.

        So, My life is quite the complicated one( I do not feel so honored, I think everyone's is)
Okay, so here is the jest of it all .
          I am in the midst of finalizing my divorce ( can I get an AMEN!?)
 The marriage should have never started at all. It was completely unhealthy filled with abuse, and I am grateful I got out. 
 But before that, I was teen mother pregnant at 15, and delivered 7 weeks after turning 16. I met my soon to be ex husband, at 17 (my oldest was 1) and became pregnant right away, engaged right away and the rest was history.  I was married and had 5 kids by the time I was 21!!
 21, wife, momma of 5, not even in a compound some where brain washed in a cult! 
  Instead I was brain washing myself, on the denial of being a battered woman. Yes I tried to leave, more than once. Let's face it. I was a product of a dysfunctional family of drug addicts, alcoholics and abuse. I am luckily I didn't end up on the street corner with a needle in my arm.
       I felt, I needed to keep this family together, for the sake of my children. He was a decent enough father, and he "loved" me so much. He was at war with himself, I remember seeing it. He didn't want to fail, and he felt out of control. From the Trauma I had from not only my childhood, but now the abuse and weight of becoming a mother and wife- I mean I had NO HOME TRAINING, NONE. Schedules in my house growing up was like a mere idea you have once in a while...
 I fled to Christ, I found peace in biblical teaching, and agreed with its core beliefs. I needed a savior. 
 I became such a different person, I didn't want to drink anymore, and I didn't want to smoke pot with him anymore. I longed for us to read scripture together and I begged for home school, modest dressing, you name radical Christianity I was advocating it!
 I still believe it, I must admit.
 He on the other hand. Would agree one day but didn't want to change his life. He felt guilt for his ways, and didn't like that. HE WAS NOT GOING TO BE TOLD HOW TO LIVE. end of story.
 The struggle was real
I was so weak willed, I was depressed. I was so detached from myself, I didn't even realize I was in a depression.
The babies kept coming, and we even joked that its the only thing that brings us together. I would either be on the verge of leaving and I would get a positive pregnancy test. Or I would be on the verge of leaving and my due date would be right around the corner..


 I am sure about now you are thinking... UMM lady there is a thing called BIRTH CONTROL. WORK.SCHOOL.
 You see, I don't believe in birth control, it is terrible for your body. End of story. (actually I will be connecting a link to a post on birth control and list some alternatives). Also we decided for me to stay home with the children. I dropped out when I was 15, and never got my GED. We had one car, and internet was something that was a on and off bill. I was really barefoot and pregnant. He loved it that way, it was his way of control. And for a long while I was like a dummy doll he would wind up and i would just follow him about.
 Also I was scared to grow into my own person, and the babies gave me a reason to stay. we BOTH knew that. 
 His mother, finally convinced him to get a vasectomy after the conception of our son- so we capped with 5 children in the home.
 But once the cheating, lies, and abuse came to much- I tried to leave ( but I had tried in the past as well)  I was so use to the facade it was hard to let go of it. He would sink me with deception and making counseling appointments. He was so good on on putting on a show, and saying what needed to, making sure he didn't lose me.
 December 2012- I met Derek, my beau. He was roommates with my oldest father and worked for the same company as my husband( yes I know, its insane). Despite the close to home connection we had to each- When we were introduced for the first time it was as if some one was reading a fairy tale. 
 Our eyes locked, uncontrollably I threw my arms around him, we embraced, slowly pulling away keeping the hold between us as we swayed in-sync saying our hello's and how lovely it was to meet you. Nothing 'scandalous' happened between us at that moment, beside the swaying in public at a company Christmas party. But honestly it was just a few seconds it felt like a lifetime of happiness poured into a moment of bliss. 
 Once I officially separated from my ex husband,3 months after the Christmas party. I found myself by Derek's side. Planning our future, feeling we have been together lifetimes before this one.
When I left, and knew I would be in another relationship for the first time since my marriage. I swallowed my beliefs and started taking the pill. I knew I was fertile, as fertile as mertle could be! 
 SURPRISE - SURPRISE I ended up pregnant with the first 3 months of our relationship. Maybe it was the extra hormones from the birth control. who know's but I was sent into utter despair when I saw those two little lines appear before me. Despite Derek's reaction which was joyous and wonderful- strides above what I was used to, usually swearing of some sort following an apologizing a few hours later. 
I felt... ashamed. I was still married, separated but legally married. Now I have 3 fathers that fathered my children. I do believe each child is a blessing and the Lord opens the womb and the Lord closes the womb. But... But... Is this my life? ugh All the Judgement that goes with just that fact.
 Despite my faith I was ASHAMED.  To my surprise, the man I was separated from, that abusive, controlling man. Offered out a hand, and I accepted.It was a familiar, I knew how to live that life. Not the scandalous one that I found myself living.
He open the door, for me to return and out of shame I went back. 
As soon as I did, I became sick( what a sign to RUN AWAY huh?)  in the hospital. And found out I expecting twins. And that alone, was too much. He felt we never shared something as "special" and we couldn't make through the pregnancy. The verbal abuse started right away, and it was almost more than I could stomach. But I thought.... what about the rest of the kids, and the shame of having now 7 children by 3 different men, truly it guided almost all my decisions.
 Every step and tear of the way, I didn't listen to my heart. The kids were confused, but happy that we were back to together. After all, that is all my little children knew, their whole life! 
The scandal of Derek and I was all over the company as well as the pregnancy. Instead of staying in the midst of the problems.Once we reconciled when I was 3 month pregnant, almost immediately  we fled to Georgia, we moved in the same neighborhood as my best friend. and he contracted with his company to travel 9 months out of the year.
 We were giving it another go. I was dying inside, so alone. We told no one the twins were not his. And to be honest it was nice, he was gone ALL THE TIME. My best friend was two street away, I finally had a car, and my independence for the first time in my whole life. But as soon as he had a extended trip back.
 I found out the truth, he had a girl friend in Texas, and once I confronted him. He lost it, gave me a black eye 7 months pregnant, almost threw me down the stairs, destroyed the babies crib, strangled me, and had who knows what planned. I screamed for my oldest whom was sleeping (it was 5AM) He smashed my phone so I wouldnt call the police. After most of the children were awake and crying, He ran downstairs, and allowed me to call my best friend to pick me up and the kids up.
 I was in shock that I allowed myself to come back, only adding to the Shame of it all. The next day he picked me and the kids up. The rest of the time he was home, my best friend was not allowed over. I hide my black eye at the fall festival, and pretended it all didn't happen.
 I lied to Derek and told him all was well at the home front.
A month and half later, I delivered the twins. I was alone for most of the time after delivery. I started to think " Why am I denying myself the one I love, only for my children to grow up with domestic violence?"
I was so angry that I let myself become a battered woman. I was in shock of it all. It had seemed I was in a nightmare, and I just woken up with. Like a spell, that has just been broken.
 By the grace of the God, Derek understood his control over me. He has forgiven me and accepted me back home. Now our days are spent on our kids 9 we have between us.
 Focusing on building them up and repairing the wounds of our previous marriage. And creating a warm loving environment for them to strive in.
  After 7 years of being the "father figure" in my oldest life, my soon to be ex husband. Stopped taking her- Once he realized I was serious about the divorce. Thats it.
After looking her in the eyes and telling her no matter what happens between me and your mom I will ALWAYS BE YOUR FATHER. 
After telling me, he wants to adopt her just in case anything were to ever happen. 
 Her own father, just moved out of state, not paying child support and is less than the outstanding father.
 No explanation to the children, or to her.
I know the power of abuse. And I wrote this post to tell you all The struggle is REAL.

Little did I know, the beginning years of my adulthood was just that the beginning. All the damage of the years I stayed in an abusive relationship with a man, and allowed my children to witness it, I must try to salvage them from their own memories as they grow older.

 Please do not let your shame control your situation. I had to place my faith in the Lord, for no one shall judge me, but my maker. Who had brought me to where I am today, and has blessed me 7 times over with bundles of joys- perfect gifts giving me reasons to live, at my darkest moments. Giving me strength to stand up to a man that would have killed me and most likely my children and himself if I stayed.
 My shame kept me his prisoner, and allowed him to the unspeakable. 
If you are or know anyone in an abusive relationship please LEAVE-
18007997233- Domestic Violence hotline