Heavenly isn't it. The end if the bedtime routine ever mother enjoys after each day. Where you get your coffee,or glass of wine, perhaps even tea, sit with your novel, favorite show, or talk with your husband. Resting with a feeling of accomplishment, a feeling of thankfulness, the feeling of blessed. The ever natural smile on your face of just feeling good. Your babies are healthy at home, laying in bed.
I grab my laptop. I go through my emails, I check my dvr and to my delight, I pop on Arlington Road. I have my laptop resting on my knees. Scrolling through emails, and facebook. When I hear the pit pat of little feet, and the laughter of little girls.
Which filled my heart with such anguish. It was there in that moment I was utterly defeated!
You see I had started bedtime at 7:20- which with 7 little ones under 7 is still a feat in itself. You have to pour at least 2 glasses of water after the lights have gone out. There are always 1-3 'i need to go potty'. At least 2 books need to be read. 10 'mommy I need to tell you something.. you have brown hair.' :)
My patience is worn. After I put my foot down, I gave warnings, I got stern! I truly did EVERYTHING I COULD POSSIBLE . I realized that what I was doing was FAILING me. I began to ponder WHY WHY were my beautiful children DEFYING ME!??!?!
I knew the divorce and change had been hard on the kids. But I didn't really realize the way it affected the way they viewed me. It went from mom being always around, and the house centering around solely the children just to have a sense of peace, because my ex and I would just fight morning noon and night. So we just focused on the kids. Now, I have to share custody time, step kids, and actually a beau that I WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH. The hustle and bustle of my home has turned my kids emotional state upside down.
These moments are the moments of a divorced family. When you see your child's behavior and it seems as if another child has just came into the picture. That bond that was so sound, and regulated from the daily routine of your previous life is now shaken. The boundaries have been blurred and to small children (especially my toddlers) this is flat out hard.
They do not understand the change. They do not conceive that a marriage has died and another has been born. They do not understand how I have gone through the trenches of domestic violence, survived, in the midst found love and how joyous each day is for me.
They are experiencing "sharing" mom in a completely different way. No resentment is there because they don't even understand what they are feeling. They associate rules, boundaries, life as they understood it under the authority of a home, family and marriage that no longer exist and thus they are in utter chaos. Rebelling out of not having the ability to convey their emotions that are even complex for adults to understand when they mourn divorce!
As a parent, I am at a loss. I am only 24 years with 7 children peering at me looking where to go to next. But I know I have it under control because I have a parent's guide ( which is for another blog, another day).
I sat there, still as if I didn't see my son running from the end of the hall to the front of living room repeatedly. I tuned out the very loud conversation that was taking place in daughters bedroom, accompanied by some bangs and shuffling through what only could be their toy box.
I sighed, I about near cried to be honest. It broke me to see so clearly they distress my children were in. 1 whole hour after bedtime and they are rebelling against me the day before the beginning of the brand new school year! But after a few minutes of prayer to the Lord above to allow me gather myself.
I had two choices;
A. Jump up like a tyrant- in my most stern tone voice my frustration and scoop up my jumping two year old throw him in bed DEMAND him to sleep. Plea with my daughters and chastise them for playing at such an hour. T.O to my beau to scare them straight while I took a breather on the porch or SO HELP ME....
B. Stand up with a understanding gleam in my eyes, scoop up my jumping two year old in a warm embrace. Peek in the girls room and in just about a whisper hush remind them morning comes early, and school is important and bedtime is whats on the agenda. Lay my tired toddler in my bed and rub his back until he falls asleep not saying a word aside from good night my sweet son. Releasing the calm energy of understanding, love, and authority through out my home. Assuring my children I am their Mother, I am their earth bound keeper, and I am here. No home, no marriage, no environment will ever change my care for them.
Needless to say I did not get all the kids snug as bug, sound asleep until 10:30! I did not feel defeated, nor upset. Peace consumed me because I needed that rebellion to remind me. To remind me I am their Mother, I am their earth bound keeper, and I am here. No home, no marriage, no environment will ever change my care for them.
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